First World Problems

Let it be known that life is hard.

I think this is the case for every single person.

The older I get, the more I believe that one out of every three people we cross paths with each day is dealing with some major crisis. I've had my days of crisis, and I've had my days of bliss.

Sadly though, even on my days of bliss I can find so much to complain about... to wish for... to be jealous of. .. Its kind of pathetic.

On Saturday I had the opportunity to go see some of my friends in an awesome dance concert at BYU. It was a combination of dance and cowboy poetry. Very unusual, but very cool.

One of my favorite poems was about being "rich." I wish I could find it to post it, but in essence it listed off all the reasons that a cowboy would feel they were rich even though they were so monetarily disadvantaged; things like the smell of grass, thunderstorms, fresh mountain air, etc. It was beautiful how the dancers portrayed this poem, and the message reminded me of a couple things.

My Car

I own a car. My brother sold it to me for an awesome price, it's all paid off, and I've been using it for almost four years now.  Unfortunately, its list of broken things is so long its almost comical, but it runs and I'm happy for it. Unfortunately over four years this little car has spent lots of time with the mechanic, at one point it was at least once every two months. At this time I was often very irritated at continually needing to fork out my money to get it fixed. I remember one day after discovering a new problem I was fantasizing about all the different ways I could destroy this car in the most painful and destructive way (painful to the car, not me...as if I could somehow get revenge on this inanimate object). As I was driving somehwere that day, stewing about how awful my life was because I was stuck with this happiness sucking, money draining, life ruining machine, I got a nice smack in the face from reality. I was stopped at a light, and wallowing in self pity when this man crossed the street in front of me. I don't know the exact details of the life situation of this man, but it was clearly difficult. His clothes were ragged, his face was sunken and worn, and because he was pushing a shopping cart filled with bags and other random personal items, I assume that he was homeless. In that moment the thought came "that man would kill to have your problems if he could have the things that you have." In an instant my self pity washed out, and I was filled with gratitude and a twinge of shame for my attitude. I was so overcome that I started to choke up (.... this is not uncommon...) and I began to think about all the opportunities that I have been blessed with. It was a good reminder for me that while my problems are indeed stressful, they are problems that many would be excited and happy to deal with because of the blessings that they are attached too.

I wouldn't say that this experience was the first wake up call I've ever had but it is definitely one of the most memorable.

A Little Phrase

This experience and the dance concert also reminded me of these funny little memes that make their way around the internet entitled "First world problems." They have always made me chuckle, and I really enjoy reading them because they put into perspective how silly our complaints can be. I enjoy them so much that I've kind of adopted that phrase into my life. Its kind of an internal thought thing, and it usually goes something like this:

Me speaking to someone: "I hate that I have to work so I can pay for school AND housing, why can't I just have super wealthy parents that pay for everything?" (This is one of my most recent ridiculous complaints)

Self to self in my head: "Um.... hold up Jack! Do you realize how ridiculous that sounds?"

"What do you mean?"

"Is your life in imminent danger because of this problem?"

"No."

"Do you have a bed to sleep in and a roof over your head?"

"Yes."

"Do you know where your next meal is coming from?"

"Yes."

"Have you ever had to worry about making sure that your life sustaining needs are met?"

"No."

"Is this problem going to impede on your ability to get your life sustaining needs met?"

"No."

"Are there people around you that love you and are concerned for your well being?"

"Yes."

"Then congratufreakinglations, you are one of the luckiest people on the planet, you are dealing with a first world problem, quit your complaining and be grateful for how blessed you are!"

"Oh......I'm an idiot."

"Yup."

Its a fun little process that always helps me remember that I'm lucky and I have opportunities that so many people could only dream of. I mean, even the fact that I have the ability and the technology to write this blog post, and that you can read it means that we are both very blessed.

So, here's to trying a little harder to stop complaining and to being a little more grateful for all the awesome things I have. Huzzah!

And, to finish off; one of my favorite lists of "first world problems."

Moving past the past

See,

There is this lady I know.

Her and I have always had a rocky relationship, but over the past few months things have gotten really bad! And when I say bad, I mean BAD! I don't want to sound snobbish, but it wasn't really my fault either. She just changed. She became very rude, and cold, and harsh. And on top of that, she became deceitful, and at times it seemed that she was being intentionally spiteful. Things I don't appreciate, you know? The whole thing has been really hard on me!

 Now, she has done this in the past, but this most recent episode seemed the longest! To the point that I had lost hope that things would turn around for the better, and I was prepared to let this relationship go for good.

But, over the past few days, she has changed again. She has become so sweet and warm and inviting; it has caused me to remember why I loved her so much in the first place.

And so, I would like to publicly write her an apology.



Dear Friend of mine,

I'm so sorry that I had such bad feelings towards you (and that you were such a #@%!).

I'm sorry that I was ready to let you go for good.

I'm sorry about all the nasty things I said about you to my other friends.

I'm sorry for all the times I have cursed you, and all the things I have blamed on you.

I really hope that this change that has come over you will be lasting, and we can be on good terms again. I have missed your warmth and goodness in my life!

So please, Mother Nature, lets turn over a new leaf and keep this good thing going.

Sincerely,

Jack.

An old pic of me and Mother Nature on one of our good days.

O Canada!

This summer I get the opportunity to work at the Carriage House Theatre in Cardston Alberta, and I am stoked!

I will be playing Marius in Les Miserables, Chad in All Shook Up, and then dancing my butt off in Annie.

Here is a list of reasons why I am so excited about this.

1. I get to go up there with two of my awesome friends.
2. I get to make new friends.
3. I get to play one of my life long dream roles.
4. I get a chance to stretch and grow as a performer.
5. The theatre is three blocks away from the Temple.
6. I get to spend some time hiking and enjoying the beauty of God's green earth.

This is actually a pic from Glacier National Park in Mt. but, you get the Idea.... :)

So, if you get a hankering to get out of the country, see some shows, and enjoy some earth grown beauty, then come visit me!

First time living

Its taken me a while to get this post together. It's been hard for me to organize my thoughts in a way that I feel does justice to what I want to share. But, I think I've got it! So, lets give this a go.

I think its common for people to wish that they could go back to the past and change something about their lives. This is at least true for me. But I'm learning that what I would change isn't solidified to a singular event, or a specific time period, but an over arching thought pattern that crippled me and my ability to enjoy living. A few close friends and I have termed this destructive thought pattern the "golden boy syndrome."

Now, we all know what the golden boy is. The perfect child, the straight A student, the peter priesthood, the gospel scholar, the boy that is always optimistic, and practically perfect in every way. Perhaps there are some people that can achieve this ideal, but certainly I did not, I do not, and in this life I never will. The sad thing is, that this is what I grew up expecting myself to be and when I didn't measure up I believed I was a failure. It's a hard thing to spend your life believing you're a failure.

My battle with the "golden boy syndrome" aided in my twisting the merciful gospel of Jesus Christ into a dreaded thing, that I both loved and hated. I loved because I could feel the joy of the truth of it, but I hated because I felt that I was going to fail. I felt that the standard was too high, I couldn't achieve the perfection that Jesus commanded, and I thought I was hopeless. I felt powerfully that the atonement was real, and I believed that it came into effect after we had respectively done our part. But my belief about what it meant to do my part was very rigid and daunting. Every time I wasn't perfect, or made a mistake, I would ruminate over what I could have done differently. Knowing that I could have done things different, or better, made me believe that I had NOT done my part, and therefore I was hopeless.

Then came the shame. The gospel also teaches about Godly sorrow, and boy did I have a weird belief of what that was. I think I believed that if I hated myself enough, God would believe that I was actually repentant, and maybe I would have a chance of forgiveness. But here is a gold nugget of a lesson that I have learned about the difference between guilt and shame. Guilt says "I have done something wrong, but I am still good and can do better." Shame says "I have done something bad, therefore I am evil." I spent a lot of time living under the murky sludge that is shame. Thankfully, I have learned that shame has no place in God's plan, and it is a trick of the devil. God uses inspiration and hope, so while we feel bad about things we may have done, the spirit will fill us with the love of God, and hope of a better future. Godly sorrow does not equal self loathing and depression.

Well, all of this destructive thinking started to loose its grasp on me after a breakup of all things. I was being very hard on myself because I felt that I had been very insensitive and abrupt in the way that I handled ending this particular relationship. I was analyzing everything that had been said in "the" conversation, and I was tearing myself apart for how "horribly" I handled things. I was starting the slide into another episode of self loathing and deprecation when I had an inspired thought.

The thought was this. "This is your first time being mortal, and you have not had many relationships, you can't expect to do everything perfectly in this relationship, give yourself a break."

This little thought was the beginning of an awesome journey.

At first, the thought only applied to that relationship, and then it began to spill over into other aspects in my life. I began to look at things differently all around. When I would make a mistake I would try to stop myself from shaming myself, and thinking about how "bad" or "evil" I was, and instead remind myself that this is my first mortal experience EVER, and then allow myself the learning that comes from the mistake.

Now don't misunderstand, there are days that I am better at this than others. And some days I fail completely, but over the past couple years I have gradually gotten better. And, its been very refreshing, to finally start believing that I don't have to be perfect today, or tomorrow, or even when I'm 100. I just have to try to keep improving.

This change of perception has been so refreshing, and life changing. This dark cloud of inadequacy and a complete inability to measure up has lifted. Instead of constantly hating myself, and being depressed about how "bad" I am, I finally get to see myself a little bit more how God sees me. The future becomes much more inviting when it is relinquished of unachievable expectations. So from now on I get to enjoy living, and even failing, because that is all part of the experience.